Revise and edit a draft
Grade 9 Reading Worksheet - Challenge Me
Circle the best answer.
Read this first
Strings for Riverbend Middle School (student draft: grant proposal for a foundation committee)
[1] Riverbend Youth Orchestra requests $18,000 from the Harbor Foundation to bring free string lessons to Riverbend Middle School, which has offered no instrument instruction since 2019. [2] The foundation's guidelines state that proposals are scored on documented need, measurable outcomes and cost per student.
[3] Of the 310 students who answered our survey, 142 said they would sign up for lessons, but only 9 own an instrument. [4] Last spring a seventh grader named Maya Torres told our volunteers that she had taped a picture of a violin above her bed for two years. [5] The need for free instruction is evident in the fact that less families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour. [6] Lessons would be taught twice a week after school by two professional teachers, and instruments would be loaned to students for the year.
[7] We hope the program will have a positive impact on participants and the community. [8] Eighty students would be served at a cost of $225 each, well within the range of comparable programs. [9] Our program utilizes a curriculum that orchestras in eleven states have used for fifteen years. [10] Having been taught by two professional teachers, progress in reading notation is something that it is hoped the students will make by May. [11] A spring concert would invite families to hear that progress for themselves. [12] We thank the committee for considering our request.
Luz wants sentence [5] both revised for the committee and edited for usage. Which version does both without changing the claim?
- Less families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour, so the need for free instruction is plain.
- Fewer families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour, so the need for free instruction is plain.
- The need for free instruction is evident in the fact that fewer families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour.
- No family can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour, so the need for free instruction is plain.
Strings for Riverbend Middle School (student draft: grant proposal for a foundation committee)
[1] Riverbend Youth Orchestra requests $18,000 from the Harbor Foundation to bring free string lessons to Riverbend Middle School, which has offered no instrument instruction since 2019. [2] The foundation's guidelines state that proposals are scored on documented need, measurable outcomes and cost per student.
[3] Of the 310 students who answered our survey, 142 said they would sign up for lessons, but only 9 own an instrument. [4] Last spring a seventh grader named Maya Torres told our volunteers that she had taped a picture of a violin above her bed for two years. [5] The need for free instruction is evident in the fact that less families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour. [6] Lessons would be taught twice a week after school by two professional teachers, and instruments would be loaned to students for the year.
[7] We hope the program will have a positive impact on participants and the community. [8] Eighty students would be served at a cost of $225 each, well within the range of comparable programs. [9] Our program utilizes a curriculum that orchestras in eleven states have used for fifteen years. [10] Having been taught by two professional teachers, progress in reading notation is something that it is hoped the students will make by May. [11] A spring concert would invite families to hear that progress for themselves. [12] We thank the committee for considering our request.
Planned changes: P1 fix less to fewer in [5]. P2 replace [7] with the result the committee will measure, such as how many of the 80 students will read basic notation by May. P3 change utilizes to uses in [9]. P4 cut [3], the survey figures, because [1] already says the school needs lessons.
The committee scores need, outcomes and cost per student. Ren can make one change first. Which change comes first, and why?
- P2, because [7] is the shortest sentence in the proposal and short sentences look rushed.
- P2, because the committee scores measurable outcomes and [7] gives it nothing to measure.
- P4, because [3] repeats the point of [1] and a shorter proposal is easier to score.
- P1, because a usage slip in [5] makes the proposal look careless to the committee.
Strings for Riverbend Middle School (student draft: grant proposal for a foundation committee)
[1] Riverbend Youth Orchestra requests $18,000 from the Harbor Foundation to bring free string lessons to Riverbend Middle School, which has offered no instrument instruction since 2019. [2] The foundation's guidelines state that proposals are scored on documented need, measurable outcomes and cost per student.
[3] Of the 310 students who answered our survey, 142 said they would sign up for lessons, but only 9 own an instrument. [4] Last spring a seventh grader named Maya Torres told our volunteers that she had taped a picture of a violin above her bed for two years. [5] The need for free instruction is evident in the fact that less families than ever can afford private lessons, which cost about $40 for a half hour. [6] Lessons would be taught twice a week after school by two professional teachers, and instruments would be loaned to students for the year.
[7] We hope the program will have a positive impact on participants and the community. [8] Eighty students would be served at a cost of $225 each, well within the range of comparable programs. [9] Our program utilizes a curriculum that orchestras in eleven states have used for fifteen years. [10] Having been taught by two professional teachers, progress in reading notation is something that it is hoped the students will make by May. [11] A spring concert would invite families to hear that progress for themselves. [12] We thank the committee for considering our request.
Original [6]: "Lessons would be taught twice a week after school by two professional teachers, and instruments would be loaned to students for the year." Revised [6]: "Two professional teachers would give each student two lessons a week after school, and loaned instruments would remove the cost of buying one."
Zee compares the original and revised [6]. Which annotation names the change and its effect for the committee?
- Reword: it shows that families would pay nothing for an instrument, which answers the committee's cost question.
- Reword: it adds the number of students served, which answers the committee's outcomes question about who benefits.
- Reword: it makes the weekly schedule easier for parents to plan around after school and for children to remember.
- Cut: it removes the loan of instruments, so the committee reads a shorter and simpler plan with fewer promises to check.
Give the Bikes a Year (student draft: opinion article for a local newspaper)
[1] Pine Ridge residents have good reason to doubt the bike-share program that the council will vote on in March. [2] Two programs in nearby towns collapsed within eighteen months, leaving bikes abandoned on sidewalks and bills for taxpayers. [3] The proposal before us, however, differs from those earlier failures in several ways that deserve to be weighed before anyone votes.
[4] It asks for a one-year trial of forty bikes rather than a permanent system, and the contract lets the town end the trial at any time. [5] The operator, not the town, would own the bikes and be responsible for every repair, replacement and inspection. [6] Riders would unlock a bike at one of six marked racks and would have to return it to a rack, so bikes could not pile up on sidewalks. [7] It is feared by some neighbors that the racks will effect parking on Main Street, and this worry is not unreasonable. [8] Three of the six racks, however, would stand in the library lot and the old depot lot, where the council's own count found that more than a third of the spaces sit empty on weekdays.
[9] The program would not be free, and I will not insult readers by pretending that it is. [10] The town would pay $9,000 toward the operator's startup costs, and the operator would keep the fares. [11] What the town gets for that money is a full year of evidence about whether residents will actually ride. [12] If they do not, we will have spent less than the cost of repaving one block of Elm Street. [13] If they do, we will know it, and we will know it with numbers rather than guesses. [14] I hope that doubters will attend the council meeting on March 4 and ask hard questions.
Planned changes: P1 in [8], replace more than a third of the spaces with the counts from the council's survey. P2 in [3], replace however with though. P3 cut [11], because [13] already says the trial will give numbers. P4 add a last sentence thanking the council for considering the proposal.
The readers are skeptical neighbors worried about parking and cost. Esme can make one change first. Which change comes first, and why?
- P2, because though sounds friendlier to neighbors than however does, and a friendlier opening keeps skeptics reading.
- P1, because parking is the neighbors' strongest objection, and counts let them check the claim.
- P1, because [8] is the longest sentence in the piece and long sentences lose readers.
- P3, because [11] repeats [13] and a shorter piece is easier for neighbors to finish.
Give the Bikes a Year (student draft: opinion article for a local newspaper)
[1] Pine Ridge residents have good reason to doubt the bike-share program that the council will vote on in March. [2] Two programs in nearby towns collapsed within eighteen months, leaving bikes abandoned on sidewalks and bills for taxpayers. [3] The proposal before us, however, differs from those earlier failures in several ways that deserve to be weighed before anyone votes.
[4] It asks for a one-year trial of forty bikes rather than a permanent system, and the contract lets the town end the trial at any time. [5] The operator, not the town, would own the bikes and be responsible for every repair, replacement and inspection. [6] Riders would unlock a bike at one of six marked racks and would have to return it to a rack, so bikes could not pile up on sidewalks. [7] It is feared by some neighbors that the racks will effect parking on Main Street, and this worry is not unreasonable. [8] Three of the six racks, however, would stand in the library lot and the old depot lot, where the council's own count found that more than a third of the spaces sit empty on weekdays.
[9] The program would not be free, and I will not insult readers by pretending that it is. [10] The town would pay $9,000 toward the operator's startup costs, and the operator would keep the fares. [11] What the town gets for that money is a full year of evidence about whether residents will actually ride. [12] If they do not, we will have spent less than the cost of repaving one block of Elm Street. [13] If they do, we will know it, and we will know it with numbers rather than guesses. [14] I hope that doubters will attend the council meeting on March 4 and ask hard questions.
Original [11]: "What the town gets for that money is a full year of evidence about whether residents will actually ride." Revised [11]: "What the town gets for that money is a full year of evidence about whether residents will actually ride, counted in trips per rack and hours of use."
Jun compares the original and revised [11]. Which annotation names the change and its effect for neighbors?
- Add: it tells neighbors what the evidence will be, so they can judge the trial by numbers they can follow.
- Reword: it replaces vague words with exact ones, so neighbors read a shorter and plainer sentence.
- Add: it shows how much the trial costs the town, so neighbors can compare it with the cost of repaving a block.
- Add: it gives the operator a list of figures to report so that the contract can be enforced.
Give the Bikes a Year (student draft: opinion article for a local newspaper)
[1] Pine Ridge residents have good reason to doubt the bike-share program that the council will vote on in March. [2] Two programs in nearby towns collapsed within eighteen months, leaving bikes abandoned on sidewalks and bills for taxpayers. [3] The proposal before us, however, differs from those earlier failures in several ways that deserve to be weighed before anyone votes.
[4] It asks for a one-year trial of forty bikes rather than a permanent system, and the contract lets the town end the trial at any time. [5] The operator, not the town, would own the bikes and be responsible for every repair, replacement and inspection. [6] Riders would unlock a bike at one of six marked racks and would have to return it to a rack, so bikes could not pile up on sidewalks. [7] It is feared by some neighbors that the racks will effect parking on Main Street, and this worry is not unreasonable. [8] Three of the six racks, however, would stand in the library lot and the old depot lot, where the council's own count found that more than a third of the spaces sit empty on weekdays.
[9] The program would not be free, and I will not insult readers by pretending that it is. [10] The town would pay $9,000 toward the operator's startup costs, and the operator would keep the fares. [11] What the town gets for that money is a full year of evidence about whether residents will actually ride. [12] If they do not, we will have spent less than the cost of repaving one block of Elm Street. [13] If they do, we will know it, and we will know it with numbers rather than guesses. [14] I hope that doubters will attend the council meeting on March 4 and ask hard questions.
Pia wants sentence [7] both revised for neighbors and edited for usage. Which version does both without changing the claim?
- Some neighbors fear that the racks will affect parking on Main Street, and they are right.
- Some neighbors fear that the racks will effect parking on Main Street, a worry that is not unreasonable.
- Some neighbors fear that the racks will affect parking on Main Street, a worry that is not unreasonable.
- It is feared by some neighbors that the racks will affect parking on Main Street, and this worry is not unreasonable.
Use this
Do Not Hurry the Wheel (student draft: personal narrative for a school literary magazine): [1] The summer I turned fifteen, I spent six weeks in the back room of Delgado Cycle, where the only task I was trusted with was sweeping the floor and sorting bent spokes into coffee cans. [2] Mr. Delgado repaired bicycles the way some people play chess, slowly and deliberately and with long silences that I mistook for disapproval. [3] I watched him true a bent wheel by turning a small wrench a quarter turn at a time, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another. [4] "You cannot hurry a wheel," he told me once, without looking up from the rim. [5] I did not believe him then, because I had spent my whole life being rewarded for speed.
[6] At school I had always been the student who finished first, and I assumed that finishing first meant understanding best. [7] It was the case that the assumption I had held about speed failed me in the shop repeatedly, however I did not see this at first. [8] In the shop, that assumption failed me again and again. [9] The first bicycle he let me work on was a rusted blue frame that someone had abandoned outside the door, and I was certain that I could strip it in an afternoon. [10] I rushed, snapped a brake cable and had to start over. [11] The second time, I laid every part on a towel in the order I removed it, and I did not touch the frame again until the towel was full of small, oily pieces.
[12] By August I could true a wheel by myself, though never as quietly as he did. [13] I still sweep that back room when I visit, and I still do not hurry the wheel.
Original [12]: "By August I could true a wheel by myself, though never as quietly as he did." Revised [12]: "Though never as quietly as he did, by August I could true a wheel by myself."
Tala compares the original and revised [12]. Which annotation names the change and its effect for the editors?
- Move: the concession now comes first, so the sentence ends on what the narrator achieved.
- Move: the concession now comes first, so a reader who has not seen a bike shop learns the vocabulary.
- Reword: the sentence now says something new about how quietly the narrator works.
- Move: the concession now comes first, so Mr. Delgado seems to be criticizing the narrator's work.
Use this
Do Not Hurry the Wheel (student draft: personal narrative for a school literary magazine): [1] The summer I turned fifteen, I spent six weeks in the back room of Delgado Cycle, where the only task I was trusted with was sweeping the floor and sorting bent spokes into coffee cans. [2] Mr. Delgado repaired bicycles the way some people play chess, slowly and deliberately and with long silences that I mistook for disapproval. [3] I watched him true a bent wheel by turning a small wrench a quarter turn at a time, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another. [4] "You cannot hurry a wheel," he told me once, without looking up from the rim. [5] I did not believe him then, because I had spent my whole life being rewarded for speed.
[6] At school I had always been the student who finished first, and I assumed that finishing first meant understanding best. [7] It was the case that the assumption I had held about speed failed me in the shop repeatedly, however I did not see this at first. [8] In the shop, that assumption failed me again and again. [9] The first bicycle he let me work on was a rusted blue frame that someone had abandoned outside the door, and I was certain that I could strip it in an afternoon. [10] I rushed, snapped a brake cable and had to start over. [11] The second time, I laid every part on a towel in the order I removed it, and I did not touch the frame again until the towel was full of small, oily pieces.
[12] By August I could true a wheel by myself, though never as quietly as he did. [13] I still sweep that back room when I visit, and I still do not hurry the wheel.
Bo wants sentence [7] both revised for the magazine editors and edited for usage. Which version does both without changing the claim?
- In the shop my assumption about speed failed me repeatedly, however I did not see this at first.
- In the shop my assumption about speed failed me repeatedly; however, I did not see this at first.
- It was the case that the assumption I had held about speed failed me in the shop repeatedly; however, I did not see this at first.
- In the shop my assumption about speed failed me once; however, I did not see this at first.
Use this
Do Not Hurry the Wheel (student draft: personal narrative for a school literary magazine): [1] The summer I turned fifteen, I spent six weeks in the back room of Delgado Cycle, where the only task I was trusted with was sweeping the floor and sorting bent spokes into coffee cans. [2] Mr. Delgado repaired bicycles the way some people play chess, slowly and deliberately and with long silences that I mistook for disapproval. [3] I watched him true a bent wheel by turning a small wrench a quarter turn at a time, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another. [4] "You cannot hurry a wheel," he told me once, without looking up from the rim. [5] I did not believe him then, because I had spent my whole life being rewarded for speed.
[6] At school I had always been the student who finished first, and I assumed that finishing first meant understanding best. [7] It was the case that the assumption I had held about speed failed me in the shop repeatedly, however I did not see this at first. [8] In the shop, that assumption failed me again and again. [9] The first bicycle he let me work on was a rusted blue frame that someone had abandoned outside the door, and I was certain that I could strip it in an afternoon. [10] I rushed, snapped a brake cable and had to start over. [11] The second time, I laid every part on a towel in the order I removed it, and I did not touch the frame again until the towel was full of small, oily pieces.
[12] By August I could true a wheel by myself, though never as quietly as he did. [13] I still sweep that back room when I visit, and I still do not hurry the wheel.
Planned changes: P1 cut [8], which announces the lesson that [9] to [11] then show. P2 replace snapped in [10] with a more vivid verb. P3 add a sentence explaining what it means to true a wheel. P4 cut [11], the towel scene, because it slows the story.
The readers are editors who value restraint and scenes that show. Noah can make one change first. Which change comes first, and why?
- P2, because a livelier verb in [10] would make the strongest scene stronger.
- P1, because [8] states the lesson before the scenes in [9] to [11] have shown it.
- P4, because the towel scene slows the story and the editors want a faster pace.
- P1, because [8] is shorter than the sentences around it and short sentences slow the story.
Use this
Do Not Hurry the Wheel (student draft: personal narrative for a school literary magazine): [1] The summer I turned fifteen, I spent six weeks in the back room of Delgado Cycle, where the only task I was trusted with was sweeping the floor and sorting bent spokes into coffee cans. [2] Mr. Delgado repaired bicycles the way some people play chess, slowly and deliberately and with long silences that I mistook for disapproval. [3] I watched him true a bent wheel by turning a small wrench a quarter turn at a time, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another. [4] "You cannot hurry a wheel," he told me once, without looking up from the rim. [5] I did not believe him then, because I had spent my whole life being rewarded for speed.
[6] At school I had always been the student who finished first, and I assumed that finishing first meant understanding best. [7] It was the case that the assumption I had held about speed failed me in the shop repeatedly, however I did not see this at first. [8] In the shop, that assumption failed me again and again. [9] The first bicycle he let me work on was a rusted blue frame that someone had abandoned outside the door, and I was certain that I could strip it in an afternoon. [10] I rushed, snapped a brake cable and had to start over. [11] The second time, I laid every part on a towel in the order I removed it, and I did not touch the frame again until the towel was full of small, oily pieces.
[12] By August I could true a wheel by myself, though never as quietly as he did. [13] I still sweep that back room when I visit, and I still do not hurry the wheel.
Original [3]: "I watched him true a bent wheel by turning a small wrench a quarter turn at a time, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another." Revised [3]: "I watched him true a bent wheel, listening to the spokes ring as he plucked them one after another."
Ari compares the original and revised [3]. Which annotation names the change and its effect for the editors?
- Cut: it removes the step-by-step detail, so a beginner can follow the repair more easily and copy it at home.
- Cut: it removes the step-by-step detail, so the image of ringing spokes carries the scene for the editors.
- Cut: it removes the step-by-step detail, so the sentence now shows how Mr. Delgado hurries.
- Reword: it replaces the wrench detail with a simpler phrase, so the sentence has the same information.